The Earth I found in me.


My favorite childhood memories are the ones when my parents would take us kids to roam the Earth. Trips to the ocean, the river, waterfalls, forests. I remember how small I felt, but how safe.

How amazed, humbled, and grateful.

And I will always remember my heart when the sun set.

I would look up at the night sky and ask God, “What does nothing look like? What was it before it was this and these stars?”

I used to scare myself with this question because the idea of nothing meant I couldn’t be alive to witness this.

I couldn’t imagine a world where there were no oceans or stars in the sky.

This question always stayed with me.

As I grew older, I got caught in the societal wave of false perspectives. This idea of what success meant, or happiness. This idea that my suffering could only be cured by something outside of myself.

I got diagnosed with Takayasus and felt my physical abilities slipping from me.

I graduated college. Worked jobs I wasn’t in love with.

I would still spend time with Earth, but I wasn’t quite ready to listen.

In order to drown out my physical and emotional pain, I turned to unhealthy habits and people.

I hit a rock bottom in life, allowed my disabilities to define me, and fell into traumatic experiences that seemed to be a repeat of my past.

Earth kept calling.  

As I began my natural path to healing, I noticed a change in my being.

I could hear myself, my child self.

That really connected, innocent spirit. The one that radiated joy, loved deeply, the one that had not been influenced by a fearful world yet.

I started to listen.  

I started to heal and be able to walk a little longer each day.

I left my job, I left the lover that wasn’t good for me, I ended friendships I had hung onto for so long.

But I learned to do it with love this time.

To release the anger I tied to it all, release the fear, the anxiety.

To wish every bit of my past well.

For two years, it was often just me and Earth.

I would load my car with snacks and my dog, and spend all day outside.

Sometimes, I fell so deep in love, I’d sleep in my tiny car to the silence of the night sky and the water.

I learned that some days Earth wanted me to take photos, and others were for stillness.

Feeling the hum of the waves, dancing in the wind, taking loved ones out to greet her.

With this, I wanted to dive deeper into my spiritual journey, and wanted to know what it all meant.

I wanted to fall so deep in love with my solitude that I came to know what I came here for.

I have come to understand that I will never know it all. No one ever will.

There is no answer. There is only an understanding of the truth.

That this entire Earth, the space it spins in, the billions of galaxies it shares a universe with,

Is all one.

The creatures of the ocean, land, and sky.

All one. And all equally loved and important.

I remember the first moment I not only knew, but felt it.

I call this the moment I awakened.

My whole life, I knew it was there.

Like there had to be something more.

Something more than the late nights, partying, or buying material things for momentary joy.

That spending time with the trees was enough to keep me happy forever.

This planet that is holding us all up, had been inside me all along and I was clouded.

And that was okay.

I knew Earth wasn’t mad, I knew it was overjoyed.

It was all in divine timing.

I had to first live some of my deepest karma to see the light.

From here, I chose to climb out of the life I didn’t want to live anymore.

Get rid of the things I didn’t need, learn to surrender to the simple.

To shed and keep the love of what I had already lived. To keep the good parts.

To honor any trauma I had faced in life.

To be grateful for it, because it taught me to feel deep pain. The kind of pain that gives you no other option than to see and let go.  

I don’t know why I have to learn things the hard way, but I am learning to first honor that I am learning at all.

There are moments that I feel my best isn’t kind, and I forget the Earth within.

There are moments when I am not expressing what my truth is.

But the moment I can become mindful of this, I can forgive myself.

And in that moment, I can make the change to return to peace.

To react the way nature does.

With love, with expansion and joy.  

With growth.

I am in a place in my experience where I can get up every day and stay in a routine.

Or get up every day and come to her.

And I choose her.

Every day.

I choose to love her.

I choose to respect her.

I choose a life where I am here for the welfare of our home.

And she is taking care of me in ways that can only be considered a miracle.

She gives me oxygen every day, a life to live and learn and grow.

To experience the magic of each sunrise and sunset.

To learn and be this love when I speak to my family, my friends, and each individual I connect with.

To bring her love to our world.

To expose the love that lives in each of us.

From here, I have let life unfold.

It really hit me this morning that the universe is making it all happen.

My life could not be more different than it was three years ago, but it is a great life.

The life I chose.

I wanted this life when I was a child.

I wanted this freedom to discover.

The life spirit came into this body for.

To see it in this way.

To do my best to clean and protect our Earth and all its beautiful beings.

To know I have the choice to get up early, breathe her in, and retreat often into the forest.

To share this message through the love of writing source gave me.

Earth is my healing, my joy, and who I am.

Without the time I make for her, I wouldn’t know what it is to be present or alive.

What it is to be the peace I so deeply want for our world.

This truth, this love, is intended for all of creation.

This means you.

Love,

If there is one thing you do today, please tell her thank you.

For this gift to be wonderful, to experience, to love.

To wake up each day and choose to surrender to what it really is all about.

To the love, the joy, the peace within.

To the Earth that it all births from.

To that which gives us life, love, and protection.

I am honored to be in this lifetime with you.

May we always remember how loved and loving we are.

Jai Ma!

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